─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
there's a poem by robert frost that i memorized as a kid that has really stuck with me. the poem, entitled "stopping by woods on a snowy evening" (which you can read in its entirety here), tells the story of a person who rides on a horse through a snowy wood and wonders about its inhabitants for the brief time they have to spend there. it speaks to a sort of inner peace, a restlessness, a loneliness. the final stanza in particular is on my mind:
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
lately i have been feeling deeply unsettled and overwhelmed by just about everything in my life. even in the moments where my mind should be at rest, i feel as though a breeze is sweeping through my mind and swirling all my thoughts and feelings around like drifts of snow. i would love to sink into my woods, lovely and dark and deep as they are, but i have promises to keep--commitments and dreams and goals and paths that i have set myself upon. and miles to go before i sleep.
when, after all, will i let myself rest? when will i be satisfied with the state my life is in? will i ever reach a true resting place, or will i be constantly riding through unknown forests on snowy evenings, the wind easing by like a beckoning friend? some deeper sense of familiarity tugging at my coattails, yet i ride ever onward, chasing some restfulness that will not come?
i would like to lay down in the snow and rest.
but i know the wind will keep swirling, and my horse will keep pushing ever onward, and all i can do is hope that i will find myself somewhere i can sleep someday. it is deeply discomfiting, this feeling that i have miles to go before i sleep. i know that i am young, and i know that i am doing more than most would put on their shoulders, and yet i still feel this deep sense of unease and dissatisfaction lurking underneath my pride at all that i have accomplished, all that i am accomplishing, and all that i will accomplish.
even if we will all be covered by a blanket of snow by the end of the night.
and so i guide my horse onward, toward a rest i must trust will find me when the time is right. toward a sense of peace that feels just out of reach.
the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but i have promises to keep, and miles to go before i sleep, and miles to go before i sleep.