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it's been a few months since i've really touched this blog—all things considered, i've just been so out of it and busy that i haven't even been able to put enough thoughts together at one time to warrant a blog post. not about anything i'd want to share on the internet, anyway. but the tides are shifting, as they often do, and so here i stand again at the edge of the ocean to see where the sea may take me.
lately i have come to realize just how much i fill my life with people and things and interests so that i never have to truly sit alone with myself: how much time i spend alone but with youtube videos on in the background, or the infinite scroll of some other social media taking up all my brainpower; how much time i spend with friends, even when we say nothing at all, just so i don’t have to feel the terribly overwhelming emotions that wrack me the moment i am alone.
after all, to be alone is, to me, a terribly scary thing. to be alone is to be with every thought and fear i have ever had, the shames i carry with me, the guilt and distrust and disbelief that anything good i have i got without deserving it. the voice in the back of my head that tells me the people i love don’t truly love me and would be happier spending their time doing things and being with people that brought them greater joy.
to be alone is to know these things are untrue and unhelpful, and to sit with them anyway, because ignoring them does not make them go away, and that is such a horrible prospect that i would simply rather not be alone, if i can help it.
to make matters worse is the deep unknowing of myself; my sense of self is so deeply rooted in how i interact with the world, and yet the moment i am alone i feel it crumble to bitter pieces, fragments of someone i would love to get to know but cannot seem to reach. and how can i expect someone to see or know me when i cannot see or know myself, nevermind show myself the deep and true love that i would want to have from others?
still, the tides keep shifting. one by one each wave takes its sweeping time, reaching ever closer to the sand. i must remind myself that i am like the tide—that i am made of endless waves, that i draw closer and farther but go on neverending. i am drawn from the moon; i am effortless.
and isn’t that how we all should be?